I fear rejections. I can’t stand being stood up on. I hate failures and moreover I am prone to heartbreaks. In the recent past years, I have seen drastic changes in my behaviour around a lot of people; the people I know and the people I have loved the most. I understand that I have cut off many from my life or isolated myself for obvious reasons. Why? Has always been a question. And I am talking about this sensitive topic today, because I know I am not the only one.
I am not a self-made person. Not yet, at least. I was ordinary, until I was 12. My only cousins who lived abroad would visit us every year and like all other kids, I ran around wanting to get my hands on those fancy mobile phones, Gameboys and PlayStations. But there was a barrier! They spoke only English and I couldn’t utter a word.
I remember getting silly translations from my brother, memorising it till I screw up to their faces and get laughed at. Usually, embarrassments break a person. But, how we don’t let it break us, is the key. How would I elude the fear? You don’t. Instead, you work on it. That’s when I picked up my first book. Asked for better education from my parents. More embarrassment, got pushed further, stabbed twice and I kept walking. Never stopped. And when I finally turned to look back, everything seemed too small to worry about. It is funny, how everything that seemed hard back then, turned out to become my key strength. And every person I thought would break leaving me behind, actually showed me the track to run on. Run past them.
I realised that so far we have lived to please a lot of people. If not to please, then we are careful not to offend them. Like you are in the field playing your least favourite sport, just to hear the crowd cheering. Have you ever taken the time to stop swinging that bat for a moment and think, ‘Does this field really matter?’. This is not my sport. I should be running past hurdles.
Why would I become something that is so not me, just for the sake of somebody else who made it this way? Why would I surround myself with people who I don’t know the real transitions of. Does family really mean family? Why would I put myself in a situation where I question my own morals? The answer is, you forgot to queue your priority right. Honestly, there’s no answer for the suffering. There’s no proper solution for the problems. You have a problem today? An even bigger problem might replace that tomorrow. That doesn’t necessarily mean you got rid of the previous one. You tend to focus on the problem that is mightier than the other. That’s how priorities work. I learned it the hard way. Pick your suffering and whom you don’t mind suffering for. Because that’s what introverts do. They choose themselves and you.
Social media or Virtual reality is where we can act stiff and say things we could never in real life. Because in reality, I fear that I’d break someone’s heart. I am afraid that I might hurt somebody’s feelings. So, I am happy where I am. I am happy turning from pages to pages, knowing that nobody is crying because of what I have said or done.
I am an introvert. I am less exposed to ‘unnecessary’.